Why Me?

I thought a lot lately about how hard I am on myself. Isn't it funny? I think we are all a lot harder on ourselves than we realize. I would say the really hard part of loosing our baby didn't start until about a month and a half ago. You see, everyone gets back into their schedules and you hear less from others. You seem to become bitter and insensitive to the things you hear. "Oh gosh I feel so fat right now" says one expecting mother. "My child isn't sleeping through the night and it is driving me crazy". "Oh you are going to Hawaii? You have it so hard. I would love to leave the kids and head there for a while". Yea um, I won't even go there. I assume everyone knows my responses of course that I state in my head. I don't feel the need to share my true responses on that either. Gosh, it sure is true what they say about grieving. There is no right way to do it. For the most part, I am totally ok hearing the complaints of a woman expecting because after all, I remember what that first trimester was like. I hated it too. I didn't enjoy pregnancy at all. I get it I promise. But then there is those times where I just don't have the strength to hear it and I become irritable pretty fast. I jump to my own judgements and then I go back to the more realistic idea and remind myself that it is okay for a woman to complain that it is hard, you're just longing and hurting for your baby. Throughout this process, I have had to tell myself a lot of the times that it is okay to feel and do what I am doing. Right now it is that awkward moment where people just don't have the words to say when they hear of your story (I don't blame them). Then there are those who try to counteract with what you say by adding something positive like "Oh, but now you have answers so it can help your future pregnancies". And that gets a grieving momma going, let me tell ya. Then you have days where being around children is good and some days it just isn't. Or like me, you've been called to Young Women's residency and while all the other women are coordinating their schedules around their duties of being a mom and tending to their children, here you are completely free because your baby isn't here. Then there are times where all you want to do is talk about your baby, because that is what keeps him alive, but you fear people are getting tired of hearing about his story or that you are starting to get annoying(trust me I know this isn't true, but this is ideally how you feel). It is actually therapeutic to talk about him on most occassions. Many times I feel lost as to what my purpose is right now without Koop in my arms. Ill be honest, there are days where I discredit the idea that I AM indeed a mother because what am I supposed to do with empty arms?

I simply knew that doing this by myself wasn't going to work. I recently purchased a book called "Why Me?" written by a woman whom herself has had to deal with the heartaches and trials that come with high-risk pregnancy. That is right people. I said it. High risk. That is unfortunately my reality now for the rest of my reproductive and child-bearing years. I have to work a little harder (ok maybe REALLY hard) in trying to get the rest of my babies here safely and to term. It sucks. I totally feel bad for myself. Although I am comforted in knowing many other women deal/dealt with the same trial, it is still a tough reality to face. You're mad, sad, and you scream to God that it isn't fair. Why Me? There is no accidents that this book was titled what it was. Every woman who has dealt with miscarriage, stillbirth, infant loss, preterm birth, etc. has asked this. This book has been nothing but a BLESSING! While I can't tell what the future holds with my future pregnancies, this book has validated my feelings and fears. It has made me feel all emotions from fear to joy to enormous amounts of hope for the future. From pre-eclampsia to Incompetent Cervix, she covers it all. She has included several medical journals as well which makes the book super informative. The personal stories shared by other mommies is phenomenal. So heart wrenching & warming at the same time.

Every story is different, however the author of this book has a very similar story of my own. Loosing her first baby due to the same things. She has provided so many answers that I needed for closure. I encourage all who have dealt with miscarriage, stillbirth, infant loss, preterm birth, infertility, etc. to read this book.

You see, what put me into labor was something called Incompetent Cervix and when my placenta was cultured, it came back positive for chorioamnitosis. There is a lot more to it than your cervix having the inability to hold a baby to full term. A lot more to it than just progesterone shots and stitching your cervix shut next pregnancy. A lot more to it than treating with antibiotics (not to mention ONLY if they catch it in time). I wish it were easy for me to just move on with a smile on my face, but its hard. Not only did I have my baby too soon, I also lost him too soon. I witnessed things that no mother (or father) should have to witness, but unfortunately they do. I wish I could be more hopeful and positive for the future. I have to be, I know. But first let me explain my reality of hearing I have IC.

- Your cervix is kind of broken. Sorry.
- We can take preventative measures to increase the chances of carrying longer, but there are no guarantees.
- You may not deal with IC next time around (hey there is hope!)
- Chorioamnitosis is a "which came first? The chicken or the egg?" scenario. Hey that is cool! So you're telling me we don't really have an answer to this? Awesome. (sarcasm here).
- You will never have a baby vaginally. It is out of the question. Don't even ask. - This got to me. I am old school. I would have loved to experience this. The worst- don't come back with "hey how nice! you will always be able to set a date of when the baby comes!" Just don't.
- You may experience another loss.
- You will never carry full term. We will always deliver the baby at 36 weeks.
- Again, no guarantees. You may have another premature baby resulting in NICU stay, possible delays in development on all levels, or death.
- You will have to work a little harder in actually carrying a baby to term, if you can.

February 14th was one of the most memorable days of my life. My son was born, but followed the shattering news about what my future looks like with child-bearing. The uncertainties. My life has been flipped upside and changed dramatically. Since I was little,  I dreamt like a lot of women about their childbearing years and what an experience pregnancy will be. Maybe hard, but beautiful to say the least. I never imagined that my reality of pregnancy would involve being concerned of carrying a baby to term (or to the "safe zones" which they consider starting at 16 weeks to 30 weeks), or while a lot of mommas out there are wondering what their nursery colors will be or what kind of stroller they will get. Nope not me. Without discrediting the fact that I will feel happiness and joy at times; MOST of my pregnancy will be filled with anxiety and fear by every minute with the endless thoughts of wondering if my baby will stay safe inside me.

I am sorry. This blog seems like a pity party right? Well it is and isn't. At the end of every day I ask, "Why me?" And the only thing I have to hang onto is the knowledge that this was God's plan for me. I will know one day why me as well with thousands of other mother mommies out there. For now, I still haven't given up hope. I don't know what the future holds, but I do have hope. It is HUGE for me. It is the only thing I have. Reading stories of another woman's strength through this trial is what gives me the courage to put on foot in front of the other every day and say, "It will happen for me". The love that I simply can't put into words that I have for Kooper gives me encouragement to try again in the future. He was worth everything I went through and I would do it again, but maybe not in a heartbeat quite yet. ;-)  It is true what they say. You never realize how much you can love one person until you have one of your own.

Mommas out there. If you need a book, please pick this one up. You won't regret it. Please please PLEASE take it easy and don't be too hard on yourself. Love and take care of yourself. There is help out there. Talk to someone. Have hope in the future and please know that myself and other momma's out there are on your side! It isn't fair we have or had to go through this, but one day we will know. We will be reunited with our children again. Family is forever after all.

For my friends and family, thanks for loving me and being so very patient during this time in my life. Thanks for crying with me when I'm sad and laughing with me when I am happy. You all are wonderful. Thanks and I love you.

Have I Done Any Good in the World Today?

The last few weeks have been so tough, almost unbearable actually. I don't know how to even put into words the amount of intense grieving I have gone through and it came all at once out of nowhere! The joys of grief. For the past two weeks I have been feeling like I have been cheated. Why isn't my baby here? Why did I have to be diagnosed with an incompetent cervix? Why does my body have to suffer not being able to carry when this is what a women's body is made to do? Why didn't my 24 weaker make it? Why do I have to feel all this pain? The "whys" go on and on. I have been feeling so extremely sorry for myself. Kooper was due within the same time that three other's were due. My sister-in-law, best friend, and a co-worker all had healthy babies. Don't get me wrong. I wouldn't want it any other way and I truly love these women with all my heart and I love snuggling their sweet little babes. Already having a week of grief and feeling so sorry for myself, I received a text Monday morning from a certain someone (won't say who) that said she was expecting. That seem to hit me like a ton of bricks. I was conflicted. I was feeling a great amount of joy yet a great deal of resentment. I remember thinking, "Are you kidding me God? Is this a cruel joke? As if having a best friend, SIL, and co worker all having healthy pregnancies wasn't hard enough to witness as my baby was sick, now you're telling me this person is expecting (whom I am close to) and I just buried my baby 3 months ago?!"

I was angry. I had enough. I simply felt that the world owed me something. I felt really entitled. Grief is not an easy thing. Especially delayed grief. I have been really hard on myself the first couple of months following Kooper's death. And I think that is exactly where I went wrong.

So last night, I prayed. Really hard. Seeking answers to help cope with my pain. As I woke up this morning, I was driving to work and there was my sweet Kooper again. "Mom, have you done any good in the world today?" Oh shoot. There was my answer I needed. My sweet boy is constantly directing me and teaching me so much. With a smile on my face, I said, "Kooper, you stinker. How do you know all the answers to your momma's life?"

Not only was I happy that I received my answer to what I need to do now, I felt my sweet Kooper near and was reminded that he is always near. I would never wish this trial upon anyone, but when the Lord sends your very own child to be your angel and guidance throughout life, it is pretty darn special.

Any who, I hope you all take some time to listen to the words of this hymn Have I done any good in the world today?   and that you feel the spirit and are inspired to go out and do good in the world today, small or big.

Love you all. Xoxo.

Choosing Happiness

Happiness. We all know the feeling of it (or at least I hope so) and we all long for it. But do we really know that happiness is a choice? One of my favorite quotes goes a little something like this...

“Instead of complaining that the rose bush is full of thorns, be happy the thorn bush has roses.” -Proverb 

I think I have fully accepted the fact that there are a lot of things I could be angry about right now and I really have been angry about, but what I am afraid of is the thought that these feelings of anger may consume me. Well today, I choose not to let these things consume me. Instead, I am going to be completely vulnerable, write them down for the world to see them (hoping to not offend anyone), and release them and choose happiness over anger. We are all human and these emotions I have accepted and know it is ok to feel, but I wish not to hang onto them forever.  

I have been extremely angry....

Not having my baby here with me. Life is truly unfair and sometimes just down right mean and hard. I was also angry that the "1 out of every 4 pregnancies ends in loss" statistic, was mine. I was that "lucky" one out of a best friend, sister-in-law, and co-worker who all had beautiful and healthy babies within a month of my baby's actual due date. Don't get me wrong, I love these women and babies.... a lot.

The fact that some people who mean so much to me have stopped listening. Look, the reality is it has only been two months since my baby has passed. When I speak of him or my fears for the future, I am not asking you to whip a smile on your face and give me your "Ohhhh I think you will be alright with your future pregnancies. Thank goodness they have technology to help with this stuff now-a-days". I think to myself, "Oh yea that is what they told me when I had my Koop about all they could do to help my 24 weeker survive. But did he? No. My trust in people's words have been shattered right now and unfortunately I will always have a wall up to a certain degree when it comes to future pregnancies. I can't tell you how many of my good friends and people I love have said this and how much it angers me. I know you have good intention and you care, but when I speak of these things, just listen. Sometimes a hug and saying nothing at all is the best thing.

When people complain about their own children/babies to me. My hell people. Be careful who you are talking to. You're talking to a woman who would do ANYTHING to have her baby back in her arms again. I would love to respond with, "Oh but hey at least they're here", but how awkward would things turn really quick in that scenario?

When people hold me accountable for my emotions right now. Yea I have my hours where I am extremely sad and mad all at the same time.  And it is completely OK.

When I don't desire to attend your child's birthday party, baby blessing, baseball games, etc. I am sorry. The reality of this is that all those dreams I built out of doing the same with my son, are shattered and forever gone. 

When I am in a pissy mood and people don't allow me to be. Trust me, in about an hour I will be better, but in that moment of time just let me be pissy. I am trying to heal.

When people get most concerned that we may be angry with God. Look. Losing a child shakes your faith a little. Thank goodness we have a God who allows us to be angry, but can love us at the end of every day no matter what.  He understands and has confirmed that we can get angry at him. We are seeking understanding and trying to heal. This is no way means we love our Lord any less than we did before our traumatic experience.

 That instead of anticipating what the nursery theme will be with my next baby, I will be worrying more so about just getting a healthy baby here. 

That I will never be able to experience a vaginal nor full-term birth. Call me old school, but I feel cheated. This is something a woman's body was made to do and mine unfortunately doesn't work that way. Saying, "hey how nice though. all your births will be scheduled now" doesn't make it better. In fact, that just makes it worse. Again, just shut up and listen.

When people make an analogy referring to my baby not being here. Just don't.

And now comes the part where today, in this moment I am choosing to let these things go. Why? Because I CHOOSE happiness.  I love myself, the lord, and all my loved ones too much not to choose happiness. Please know that amidst all of these things that have angered me, it doesn't change my love for you or the fact that I know you are trying. In all truthfulness, I know you can't understand or quite comprehend what I am going through and that is ok. I myself have made some comments that weren't always the best when I was trying to give my love and support to others in situations that I had never been in. We are all imperfect. Yes. And what I have been through is so traumatic that I know for others who deeply care wish they had the right things to say, but just don't. Please know I don't hold you accountable for anything you do or say that might offend me. If you feel as if one of these was written about you, know that I have forgotten who the direct person was who may have done these things and these aren't thing to call you out on, but for me. To simply let it all go. So please don't be sorry or worry. Its okay and I love you and do not judge you. 

The purpose of this post is for me to let these feelings of anger go. It really does help to write them down in order to let them go. Above all that has just been written, in behalf of myself, Tyler, and Kooper, thank you my sweet friends and family. For loving us, cheering us on, and supporting us. At the end of the day, we couldn't have gotten through without all of you. You will never know the amount of love we have for all of you. I am sorry we are not the easiest to deal with at times, but thanks for your patience and loving us through this hard time.  How blessed we are to know each and every one of you and please know we would do anything in the world for the people we love most!

Part 3: February 14, 2016

February 14th, 2016 was like any typical day. It was Valentine's day. Tyler and I had just woken up and we watched t.v. for a few minutes. Kooper was especially active that morning. I had just hit 24 weeks the day before and feeling and watching him grow and kick and turn was so exciting. "TYLER LOOK! CAN YOU SEE AND FEEL THAT?" This morning was Tyler's first of ever feeling Kooper move. "Oh buddy, momma just wishes you were here already, but no worries I will be patient", I said aloud as I got up and got ready for church. 

After church, Tyler and I took about an hour nap and woke up about 1:30 pm. As I woke I was feeling these sharp pains below and through my back. They were manageable for about 15-20 minutes. I called the on-call doctor at AF hospital and he suggested I come in, but I insisted that I was going to try a hot shower and see if the pain eases. As most of you can guess, that didn't work either. By this time, I was crawling out of the shower on my hands and knees yelling for Tyler to get me some clothes and we needed to go to the hospital. I had realized I was experiencing contractions that lasted about 15-20 seconds and were about 4-5 minutes a part. 

Almost to the AF hospital, my contractions were about 1-2 minutes a part and all I felt like doing was pushing. Tyler dropped me off at the door and he went to park the car. When I walked through the doors of Labor and Delivery, the receptionist looked at me puzzled as I was just holding my stomach telling her I needed help and didn't know what was going on. She got me to a room right away and told me to change into one of those fancy hospital gowns. I can remember putting it on and then telling the first nurse that walked in that I just felt I need to "go to the bathroom". I won't lie, I was screaming "Help me please! Something is happening!" I can remember feeling so helpless and scared in those few minutes of being there. Two other nurses came in and one got me on the bed to quickly examine me. "Sweetheart, you are exactly where you need to be. I need you to breathe for me. You are fully dialated. The baby is on it's way". She screamed for Dr. Thomas to come in and that is when about 25 people came rushing in, hooking me up to monitors, putting in IV's, and getting me ready for an Emergency C-section. 

Meanwhile, Tyler was downstairs still filling out paper work and signing me in when the receptionist gets a phone call and then tells Tyler he needs to get up there right away. Tyler walked in the room with a shocked look on his face and the doctor says, "Sir I need you to change, we are delivering your baby today". Tyler looked at me quickly, kissed my forehead and told me everything would be ok and off he went to change. I held onto those four words for the next hour with everything that I had. "Everything will be ok". 

Next part was all really a blur. I started going in and out of shock. Nurses, Doctors, respiratory aids, all asking me questions as they are wheeling me into the operating room. Bright lights and coldness is what I remember best about this room. As they wheeled me in, I was still having terrible contractions. My body wanting to push, but me remembering I couldn't and just breathe through it all. But the one thought that kept running through my mind, was the dreadful thought and wonder, "Is my baby going to make it?" Little did I know, a doctor was telling Tyler that he would have to soon make a decision in whether he wanted his little guy to live or not. 

They transferred me onto the operating table and quickly gave me an epidural. Curtain came up, two doctors starting the c-section and one nurse to the right of me and Tyler to my left. They had so many questions that needed to be answered. Who my doctor was. Where did I live. What was my full name. I can remember being in shock unable to answer with tears streaming down the side of my face. Thankfully, Tyler could answer these questions for me though. 

"He is almost here honey, they almost have him out", Tyler said to me as he was stroking my head. "Tyler how will he make it? What did I do to cause this? What have I done?" as I cried just staring at him for answers. With a firm yet confident look and tears in his eyes, he said "Katie. I love you, he will make it. We will make it. Everything will be ok. Trust in me ok. I promise". 

In a blink of eye, he was out. Tyler glanced over and assured me he saw him and they were taking care of him. Kooper Lee Weight. Born 1 lb. 8 oz., 13 inches long @ 4:44 pm. Stripped from me so quickly and fighting the very first second he made his entrance. I didn't even know at that moment what I felt. If I am being completely honest, I was so scared to look and didn't want to. I just couldn't bare the thought and sight that I may be looking at my baby who may or may not make it. 

Sure enough, within a matter of minutes, they wheeled him over to me. I can remember the light flight nurse saying I had little time, but that I could touch his little head. He was so incredibly beautiful to me. With my hand through the incubator touching his head with only 3 fingers I said, "I love you sweet boy. Hang in there. I will see you soon. Don't give up ok. I love you". And he was life flighted to Provo and I remained at AF for the next two days.

Welcome baby boy!

"Don't give up 

Part 2: Morning Sickness, Belly Pics, Gender Reveal, and all the In-Betweens

The following months after we found out we were expecting was pretty much filled with a whole lot of nausea, Taco Bell, pizza lunchables, cup of noodles, and sprite. That is what I craved the most. These months were also filled with many little milestones from baby Koop making tremendous strides in growing to finding out that he was a boy! Every appointment was filled with hearing his heartbeat to ultrasounds seeing our beautiful baby get bigger and bigger every time. 

He was most active when I would go to bed at night. I would sit there and jiggle or poke my tummy just so he could kick and punt he back. That he did. He was such a strong little guy. I would sit for 20-25 minutes straight every night just waiting for that one little kick. Tyler would attempt, but wasn't quite patient enough or when I would see it, he couldn't. Finally, around 23 weeks Kooper wanted to show off and give dad a big high-five. That was so exciting seeing Tyler's face light up with pure joy and love for our little guy. 

I would say that around 15 weeks, I was clear into the nesting stage. Organizing clothes, throwing away junk, cleaning window seals, arranging everything I could find! I could stand the smell of the trash so we put the trash can in the backyard. Smells of any kind would make me hurl. I wanted clean 24/7 and it drove my husband a little crazy!

I honestly hated being pregnant, but it didn't make my love for my Koop any less. I just hated all that came with being pregnant. Morning sickness (that lasted all day!), to weight gain, to fatigue, etc. None of that stuff was fun, but when I got to hear my boy's heart beat or wake-up and see that my belly was just a little bigger, or when I felt him kick or hiccup, it would remind me that it all was SO worth it! Pregnancy is amazing and it is incredible that womens' body's are created to do such a miraculous thing. 

The first time I really "popped"! I was 14 weeks.

His feet were my favorite.

The most perfect little profile.

Yes. You were NOT shy! Mom called it before the tech could. A BOY!

21 weeks

23 weeks

Part 1: Finding Out

I can still remember the night like it was yesterday. It was a calm March night in 2011 in American Fork. Leaving the Timpanogos temple, I will never forget that night when I truly met my sweet Kooper for the first time. Because of the sacredness of this memory and value it is worth to me, it isn't one I desire to share on social media.  But little did I know, I would be telling this to Tyler for the 5 years until he came. I never knew the exact reason as to why I claimed our first son would be special and I was always trying to search for answers. After months of trying to put it all together, my answer finally came February 14, 2016.

FINDING OUT

October 1, 2015

            It was just like any other working Thursday. Got up. Made some breakfast. Got ready for work. Went to work. You know... the usual. After work that day, Tessa and I planned to run some errands because we were wanting to make a Halloween craft. Somehow I brought up the conversation of getting pregnant and having babies. Looking back now, I most likely bought it up because I will be completely honest, I had "baby hungry" written all over me.

As we stood in line waiting to check out, I asked her "So I know this is way personal, but are you and Ben trying?" She gave me the most cheesiest grin and it took her (what felt like 10 minutes) a really long time to respond with a very exciting "Yes!" So of course I was suspicious. We went on talking about motherhood and pregnancy and as were pulling into our next stop, Tessa turns to me, "Katie. I am pregnant". Well I am sure for those who really know me would know my reaction. Eyes went big. I screamed for joy. Gripped the steering wheel.  Cried. Screamed some more. Giggled. Any who, I was thrilled I was getting a new niece/nephew!

In hearing the news about her and Ben expecting, I really just wanted to make the rest of the night about them and the celebration of their little one on the way. It just so happened though that I was going to take a test that night. I was a couple of days late and and the previous week I had the incredible dizzy spells and just felt "off". Tyler and I had been not preventing for five months. I really doubted that there was any chance I was pregnant, but of course just wanted to put my mind at ease and see that negative line.

Ben and Tessa were at our house and both were in the living room. I had decided to just go to the bathroom, take the test, see a negative and move on with being excited about the neice/nephew that was coming! Yea. That didn't happen. I kept blinking. I wiped my eyes. Looked at the test. Looked away. Looked again. I realized that this was not a dream. There was a big fat positive. After about only a minute, I scream, "TESSSAAAAA. OH MY HEAVENS GET IN HERE!" I was shaking excitement. I had asked her about three times if she saw what I saw. We cried tears of joy, hugged each other and both were kind of in shock of just what happened.

And then it hit me. Ha whoops. Tyler is at school. Not only does he not know his sister is expecting, but he doesn't know I am and he wasn't the first to know.  Typically, this isn't how it should go down, but if you know me, I never do things the "normal" way. I told Tessa we had to run to Wal-Mart before Tyler got home. I still wasn't convinced and got two more tests. What is even worse... I was too excited to wait and took the test in the Walmart bathroom. HA! Gross I know. Tessa was such a good sport through all of that let me tell ya. I told her I needed to get him an outfit and pronounce it that night because I would be too excited to hold it in.

On our way home from the store, we planned it all out. We were going to walk Ben and Tessa out when Tyler got home and Ben was going to pronounce that they were expecting since Tessa shared the news with me. I was going to later surprise Tyler that him and I were expecting as well. Well the only part we failed at completely was telling Ben our plan.

Tyler gets home around 9 pm and we all decided to take Daisy for a walk around the block. As were walking, I turned to Ben and said, "Alright Ben. Since Tessa shared the news with me. Go ahead and share with Tyler!" With an extremely confused look on his face, Ben goes, "Oh Tyler. Congrats! You and Katie are expecting!" I JUST ABOUT POOPED ABOUT MY HEART! Tyler just blankly stared at Ben and Tessa. Tessa and I get creative really quick and say, "No no no. Just kidding! Ben and I are expecting! All while were trying to hint to Ben with big eyes and arm nudges to go along with it. Here is Ben with a very concerning confused look and there is Tyler. Pale, confused, dazed, and speechless. Haha whoops we totally played that out all wrong! Luckily, by the time the walk was over we convinced Tyler that indeed it was just Tessa who was expecting.

We headed to bed and now was my turn to try this a second time around and surprise him with our news of expecting. As we were just getting into bed, I asked him to grab me a glass of water. I played out a onesie, the pregnancy test, and a little note. As I called Tyler back in, I filmed the whole thing. He walked back in, looked at it, looked at me, looked at it again and that pale and confused look all came back. "Is this Tessa's?" he asked. "No honey. That is mine! We are having a baby!". Again with a confused look, "Both of you? Wait. Really?".

Needless to say, we celebrated for maybe like 1 minute. Tyler gotten bed and stared at the ceiling. He said, "What the crap just happened tonight? I gotta go on a run". So here I am at 11pm just laying in bed by myself, hoping my husband comes back within an hour. Luckily he did. I couldn't blame him though. Poor guy! As the week went on, we became more eager and excited for the tiny human we had created that was growing every hour of every day inside my belly. After 11 years of courtship, we  were finally getting one of our own. We couldn't believe in just 9 short months, we would own the title of Mom and Dad. I knew this baby was going to be my "special" one, although I couldn't quite pin point how yet.

The very first test, Daisy, and Tessa's feet lol

Proof that I did take this at Walmart. There is the floor. 

How I broke the news to Tyler.

A very forced smile from the soon-to-be dad before his much needed run lol. 

The Do's and Don'ts of bereaved parents.

Hi all! As I was lying in bed last night, I became frustrated with a particular someone (won't say who) about a comment they had made to me in reference to Kooper passing. I have found that while there are thousands out there who have experienced the same loss my husband and I have, our small network of family and friends who love us most have not. Recently, this has caused feelings of isolation and loneliness in our lives. I woke up inspired to blog about what we want our loved ones to know during this time and how you can best help us. I really hope you know that we both have good intentions and we hope to offend no one who comes across this.  

Things to say or do

Things that made most difference: dropping food at our door, taking Harry out to play… just being ok with how we were.

~ Gavin Blue, President of Heartfelt Australia

 What some call the “Art of Presence”, being there is all that is needed.

However, should you feel compelled to say something, here are the three simplest things to say:

• I am sorry for your loss.
• I am here for you.
• I don’t know what to say, I’m at a loss for words.

Whatever you do or say, remember these things:

• Acknowledge the parents
• Listen but do not try to fix
• Encourage and give them hope
• Practice the Art of Presence.

These are suggestions that help to acknowledge the grieving parents’ pain, journey, and responses. Use your own words or way of saying things.

Asking questions

Inquire how I’m doing, what I’m feeling. Don’t tell me “it must be hard” or “you must feel so awful.” Ask me, but don’t tell me. Ask again tomorrow and the day after tomorrow. Be gentle when asking, it needn’t be an interrogation.

Suggestions:

• How are you coping?
• What kind of help would be supportive for you? (Make a couple of suggestions)
• May I bring some food over tonight?
• Would you like me to just be there with you?
• What did the doctor say?
• Do you have anyone you can talk to?

I’m so sorry

This is the simplest and most appropriate sentence. It bridges any “I don’t know what to say” or “I’m lost for words” moment, any awkward silence that you might be tempted to fill with clichés. Don’t. Just say, “I’m sorry for your loss”.

Show you care

The little messages “I’m thinking of you” on the anniversary of my daughter’s or my mother’s death mean a lot.

• I hear you
• I’ve been thinking of you
• You are not alone – I am here for you
• I read your blog
• My heart goes out to you.

Continue to interact

I must have stunned many people into silence with my grief spell. It is okay to be contacting me again and again, even if I might not have the energy to hold long conversations. Social interactions are more tiring, yet I still crave to be with people. I am no longer the person I was pre “date with death” and as much as I sometimes want that person back, I have to deal with the New Me. Please try to do so, too.

Accept me

It’s hard enough to be sad and depressed. I am learning to accept being what I am in any moment. If you can accept that too, you won’t need to make me feel better, offer me advice, solutions, or try to tickle me with humour. Please accept me as I am.

Be with me

There doesn’t need to be much talking. Knowing that you are not afraid of being in my presence, no matter what, counts. Offer your presence even if by just holding my hand.

Respect my space and my beliefs

You might believe in God or that, “It was meant to be this way.” Whatever it is, keep it to yourself. You cannot know where I stand in relation to your beliefs. Leave me with mine. Respect where I am with regard to what I believe or even where I might have lost any faith and trust.

Acknowledge the dead person

I do understand that you might fear my reaction if you speak about my baby. Do trust that by acknowledging or talking about him you honor his memory. Say their names.

Respect that I won’t get over it

I didn’t really understand the depth of grief before my personal experience. You do not need to understand it to accept and respect that holding my child in my arms as she passed isn’t something that I will get over. I am learning to live with it, whatever that means. Anything can and will trigger the grief and I don’t always know when or why…

Tact and respect

By all means tell me about what is going on your life, no matter how trivial or devastating it might be. I can handle it if you handle my response with tact and respect. What I do not need at this moment are trivializations of women who got pregnant and didn’t even want to have another child or mothers who abort their baby because of its gender.

Physical contact – hugs

There are times when I am very sensitive and do not want to be touched. Please consider asking before you want to give me a hug.

The Art of Presence

Be there, not merely in the moment of crisis. Walk alongside me in the months and years to come. Allow me my process of healing. Sit with me in the moments of painful emotions and the darkness of depression. It is an illusion that in times of crisis people need space. Respect someone’s wish, if they tell you so. Otherwise, be present.

¸.•´*¨`*•✿      ✿      ✿•*´¨*`•.¸     

The things not to say or do

Time

It does not matter whether you allow the grieving parent more or less time than they need or make suggestions on what should be difficult or not – comments like those mentioned below are unhelpful as they lead to self-judgment or guilt about the situation experienced.

• Time heals all wounds.
• It will get better with time.
• The first year is the hardest.
• Take your time.

Destiny

Any suggestion on where or how the baby is now or what his destiny should or shouldn’t be are wild guesses or assumptions. For any mother or father there is no better place for their child than in their arms now and for eternity.

• He is in a better place.
• He was not meant to suffer any longer.
• It was for the best.
• Better it happened now than in x amount of time (days, weeks, months, years).

Parent’s feelings

Refrain from assuming you know how the grieving parent feels. You can’t know that. These comments cut like a knife. There is nothing that compares to parental grief.

• I know how you feel.
• It must be hard.
• You must feel terrible!

Beliefs and spirituality

Do not share your beliefs even if you think you follow the same religion or spiritual practices. The grieving parents might not be in a place to feel the same way about their religion or spirituality following the loss. Keep your religious beliefs, spiritual ideas, or ideologies to yourself.

• God needed a special angel.
• It was God’s plan.
• It was meant to be this way.
• It was his life’s plan.
• She did what she came here to do and it was her time to go.

How to grieve

Suggestions on how to grieve and/or heal are ill-considered. They are based on the assumption that you know better on how to deal with the grief than the parents. Even if you have lost a child yourself, remember that every parental grief is based on their individual story, the meanings, and beliefs they have.

• You just need to get back to your old self.
• Chin up!
• Distract yourself.
• You need to… (followed by any suggestion).

Comparisons

Each trauma needs to be respected in its uniqueness. Every parent’s loss needs to be heard as its own story and with full attention. There is nothing that compares to the loss of a child.

• I know how you feel, I lost my grandmother (or dad or pet).
• I can imagine how hard it must be.

Clichés

Say nothing or “I don’t know what to say” instead of any platitude.

• Life goes on.
• It will be all right.
• There is a reason for everything.
• It’s all for the best.

You should…

References to what they should be happy about, think about, or do instead are uncalled for. Whether it is fact or not is unimportant. The fact is the parents are mourning the loss of their child.

• You have two other children.
• At least you had your child for x number of years.
• You should think about your husband.

Thoughtless phrases

Be mindful of what may slip out of your mouth without thinking. You might be shaking your head in disbelief at these statements below. Trust me, we have all heard them. Better to say nothing at all.

• How are things at home?
• Was she in pain?
• Have another baby!
• You can have other children!
• You’re kidding!
• That’s not good!

Interpretations

Over-interpreting, trying to make sense of the inexplicable or finding reasons why the baby or child has died are not helpful. Every parent experiences the why question looping in their mind. Don’t add your thoughts; leave them to work on that.

• Maybe it was because… (filling in your reasons why).

Let me fix you

Please do not try to fix, or make suggestions on what to do. The grieving parent only knows what it means to lose a child and what they want or do not want to do or be at this specific time in their grieving journey.

• You need to keep yourself busy.
• Distract yourself!
• You need some time to yourself.
• You need to look after her (said to the husband).

Silver lining

Leave any silver linings out of conversations with parents. If the grieving parent speaks them, it is their prerogative. It is not yours.

• It’s all for the better.
• At least . . . did not suffer.
• You have 3 other beautiful children.
• You’re lucky it was early on (in case of a miscarriage).
• You are so strong.

Lastly, when we speak of our sweet Kooper, we are simply trying to keep his memories alive. Please join in and do not feel awkward and quickly change the subject. That hurts more than you know. Let us talk of him and please do not be afraid to ask questions. We are comfortable and open to it.