Choosing Happiness

Happiness. We all know the feeling of it (or at least I hope so) and we all long for it. But do we really know that happiness is a choice? One of my favorite quotes goes a little something like this...

“Instead of complaining that the rose bush is full of thorns, be happy the thorn bush has roses.” -Proverb 

I think I have fully accepted the fact that there are a lot of things I could be angry about right now and I really have been angry about, but what I am afraid of is the thought that these feelings of anger may consume me. Well today, I choose not to let these things consume me. Instead, I am going to be completely vulnerable, write them down for the world to see them (hoping to not offend anyone), and release them and choose happiness over anger. We are all human and these emotions I have accepted and know it is ok to feel, but I wish not to hang onto them forever.  

I have been extremely angry....

Not having my baby here with me. Life is truly unfair and sometimes just down right mean and hard. I was also angry that the "1 out of every 4 pregnancies ends in loss" statistic, was mine. I was that "lucky" one out of a best friend, sister-in-law, and co-worker who all had beautiful and healthy babies within a month of my baby's actual due date. Don't get me wrong, I love these women and babies.... a lot.

The fact that some people who mean so much to me have stopped listening. Look, the reality is it has only been two months since my baby has passed. When I speak of him or my fears for the future, I am not asking you to whip a smile on your face and give me your "Ohhhh I think you will be alright with your future pregnancies. Thank goodness they have technology to help with this stuff now-a-days". I think to myself, "Oh yea that is what they told me when I had my Koop about all they could do to help my 24 weeker survive. But did he? No. My trust in people's words have been shattered right now and unfortunately I will always have a wall up to a certain degree when it comes to future pregnancies. I can't tell you how many of my good friends and people I love have said this and how much it angers me. I know you have good intention and you care, but when I speak of these things, just listen. Sometimes a hug and saying nothing at all is the best thing.

When people complain about their own children/babies to me. My hell people. Be careful who you are talking to. You're talking to a woman who would do ANYTHING to have her baby back in her arms again. I would love to respond with, "Oh but hey at least they're here", but how awkward would things turn really quick in that scenario?

When people hold me accountable for my emotions right now. Yea I have my hours where I am extremely sad and mad all at the same time.  And it is completely OK.

When I don't desire to attend your child's birthday party, baby blessing, baseball games, etc. I am sorry. The reality of this is that all those dreams I built out of doing the same with my son, are shattered and forever gone. 

When I am in a pissy mood and people don't allow me to be. Trust me, in about an hour I will be better, but in that moment of time just let me be pissy. I am trying to heal.

When people get most concerned that we may be angry with God. Look. Losing a child shakes your faith a little. Thank goodness we have a God who allows us to be angry, but can love us at the end of every day no matter what.  He understands and has confirmed that we can get angry at him. We are seeking understanding and trying to heal. This is no way means we love our Lord any less than we did before our traumatic experience.

 That instead of anticipating what the nursery theme will be with my next baby, I will be worrying more so about just getting a healthy baby here. 

That I will never be able to experience a vaginal nor full-term birth. Call me old school, but I feel cheated. This is something a woman's body was made to do and mine unfortunately doesn't work that way. Saying, "hey how nice though. all your births will be scheduled now" doesn't make it better. In fact, that just makes it worse. Again, just shut up and listen.

When people make an analogy referring to my baby not being here. Just don't.

And now comes the part where today, in this moment I am choosing to let these things go. Why? Because I CHOOSE happiness.  I love myself, the lord, and all my loved ones too much not to choose happiness. Please know that amidst all of these things that have angered me, it doesn't change my love for you or the fact that I know you are trying. In all truthfulness, I know you can't understand or quite comprehend what I am going through and that is ok. I myself have made some comments that weren't always the best when I was trying to give my love and support to others in situations that I had never been in. We are all imperfect. Yes. And what I have been through is so traumatic that I know for others who deeply care wish they had the right things to say, but just don't. Please know I don't hold you accountable for anything you do or say that might offend me. If you feel as if one of these was written about you, know that I have forgotten who the direct person was who may have done these things and these aren't thing to call you out on, but for me. To simply let it all go. So please don't be sorry or worry. Its okay and I love you and do not judge you. 

The purpose of this post is for me to let these feelings of anger go. It really does help to write them down in order to let them go. Above all that has just been written, in behalf of myself, Tyler, and Kooper, thank you my sweet friends and family. For loving us, cheering us on, and supporting us. At the end of the day, we couldn't have gotten through without all of you. You will never know the amount of love we have for all of you. I am sorry we are not the easiest to deal with at times, but thanks for your patience and loving us through this hard time.  How blessed we are to know each and every one of you and please know we would do anything in the world for the people we love most!

Part 3: February 14, 2016

February 14th, 2016 was like any typical day. It was Valentine's day. Tyler and I had just woken up and we watched t.v. for a few minutes. Kooper was especially active that morning. I had just hit 24 weeks the day before and feeling and watching him grow and kick and turn was so exciting. "TYLER LOOK! CAN YOU SEE AND FEEL THAT?" This morning was Tyler's first of ever feeling Kooper move. "Oh buddy, momma just wishes you were here already, but no worries I will be patient", I said aloud as I got up and got ready for church. 

After church, Tyler and I took about an hour nap and woke up about 1:30 pm. As I woke I was feeling these sharp pains below and through my back. They were manageable for about 15-20 minutes. I called the on-call doctor at AF hospital and he suggested I come in, but I insisted that I was going to try a hot shower and see if the pain eases. As most of you can guess, that didn't work either. By this time, I was crawling out of the shower on my hands and knees yelling for Tyler to get me some clothes and we needed to go to the hospital. I had realized I was experiencing contractions that lasted about 15-20 seconds and were about 4-5 minutes a part. 

Almost to the AF hospital, my contractions were about 1-2 minutes a part and all I felt like doing was pushing. Tyler dropped me off at the door and he went to park the car. When I walked through the doors of Labor and Delivery, the receptionist looked at me puzzled as I was just holding my stomach telling her I needed help and didn't know what was going on. She got me to a room right away and told me to change into one of those fancy hospital gowns. I can remember putting it on and then telling the first nurse that walked in that I just felt I need to "go to the bathroom". I won't lie, I was screaming "Help me please! Something is happening!" I can remember feeling so helpless and scared in those few minutes of being there. Two other nurses came in and one got me on the bed to quickly examine me. "Sweetheart, you are exactly where you need to be. I need you to breathe for me. You are fully dialated. The baby is on it's way". She screamed for Dr. Thomas to come in and that is when about 25 people came rushing in, hooking me up to monitors, putting in IV's, and getting me ready for an Emergency C-section. 

Meanwhile, Tyler was downstairs still filling out paper work and signing me in when the receptionist gets a phone call and then tells Tyler he needs to get up there right away. Tyler walked in the room with a shocked look on his face and the doctor says, "Sir I need you to change, we are delivering your baby today". Tyler looked at me quickly, kissed my forehead and told me everything would be ok and off he went to change. I held onto those four words for the next hour with everything that I had. "Everything will be ok". 

Next part was all really a blur. I started going in and out of shock. Nurses, Doctors, respiratory aids, all asking me questions as they are wheeling me into the operating room. Bright lights and coldness is what I remember best about this room. As they wheeled me in, I was still having terrible contractions. My body wanting to push, but me remembering I couldn't and just breathe through it all. But the one thought that kept running through my mind, was the dreadful thought and wonder, "Is my baby going to make it?" Little did I know, a doctor was telling Tyler that he would have to soon make a decision in whether he wanted his little guy to live or not. 

They transferred me onto the operating table and quickly gave me an epidural. Curtain came up, two doctors starting the c-section and one nurse to the right of me and Tyler to my left. They had so many questions that needed to be answered. Who my doctor was. Where did I live. What was my full name. I can remember being in shock unable to answer with tears streaming down the side of my face. Thankfully, Tyler could answer these questions for me though. 

"He is almost here honey, they almost have him out", Tyler said to me as he was stroking my head. "Tyler how will he make it? What did I do to cause this? What have I done?" as I cried just staring at him for answers. With a firm yet confident look and tears in his eyes, he said "Katie. I love you, he will make it. We will make it. Everything will be ok. Trust in me ok. I promise". 

In a blink of eye, he was out. Tyler glanced over and assured me he saw him and they were taking care of him. Kooper Lee Weight. Born 1 lb. 8 oz., 13 inches long @ 4:44 pm. Stripped from me so quickly and fighting the very first second he made his entrance. I didn't even know at that moment what I felt. If I am being completely honest, I was so scared to look and didn't want to. I just couldn't bare the thought and sight that I may be looking at my baby who may or may not make it. 

Sure enough, within a matter of minutes, they wheeled him over to me. I can remember the light flight nurse saying I had little time, but that I could touch his little head. He was so incredibly beautiful to me. With my hand through the incubator touching his head with only 3 fingers I said, "I love you sweet boy. Hang in there. I will see you soon. Don't give up ok. I love you". And he was life flighted to Provo and I remained at AF for the next two days.

Welcome baby boy!

"Don't give up