“Instead of complaining that the rose bush is full of thorns, be happy the thorn bush has roses.” -Proverb
I think I have fully accepted the fact that there are a lot of things I could be angry about right now and I really have been angry about, but what I am afraid of is the thought that these feelings of anger may consume me. Well today, I choose not to let these things consume me. Instead, I am going to be completely vulnerable, write them down for the world to see them (hoping to not offend anyone), and release them and choose happiness over anger. We are all human and these emotions I have accepted and know it is ok to feel, but I wish not to hang onto them forever.
I have been extremely angry....
Not having my baby here with me. Life is truly unfair and sometimes just down right mean and hard. I was also angry that the "1 out of every 4 pregnancies ends in loss" statistic, was mine. I was that "lucky" one out of a best friend, sister-in-law, and co-worker who all had beautiful and healthy babies within a month of my baby's actual due date. Don't get me wrong, I love these women and babies.... a lot.
The fact that some people who mean so much to me have stopped listening. Look, the reality is it has only been two months since my baby has passed. When I speak of him or my fears for the future, I am not asking you to whip a smile on your face and give me your "Ohhhh I think you will be alright with your future pregnancies. Thank goodness they have technology to help with this stuff now-a-days". I think to myself, "Oh yea that is what they told me when I had my Koop about all they could do to help my 24 weeker survive. But did he? No. My trust in people's words have been shattered right now and unfortunately I will always have a wall up to a certain degree when it comes to future pregnancies. I can't tell you how many of my good friends and people I love have said this and how much it angers me. I know you have good intention and you care, but when I speak of these things, just listen. Sometimes a hug and saying nothing at all is the best thing.
When people complain about their own children/babies to me. My hell people. Be careful who you are talking to. You're talking to a woman who would do ANYTHING to have her baby back in her arms again. I would love to respond with, "Oh but hey at least they're here", but how awkward would things turn really quick in that scenario?
The fact that some people who mean so much to me have stopped listening. Look, the reality is it has only been two months since my baby has passed. When I speak of him or my fears for the future, I am not asking you to whip a smile on your face and give me your "Ohhhh I think you will be alright with your future pregnancies. Thank goodness they have technology to help with this stuff now-a-days". I think to myself, "Oh yea that is what they told me when I had my Koop about all they could do to help my 24 weeker survive. But did he? No. My trust in people's words have been shattered right now and unfortunately I will always have a wall up to a certain degree when it comes to future pregnancies. I can't tell you how many of my good friends and people I love have said this and how much it angers me. I know you have good intention and you care, but when I speak of these things, just listen. Sometimes a hug and saying nothing at all is the best thing.
When people complain about their own children/babies to me. My hell people. Be careful who you are talking to. You're talking to a woman who would do ANYTHING to have her baby back in her arms again. I would love to respond with, "Oh but hey at least they're here", but how awkward would things turn really quick in that scenario?
When people hold me accountable for my emotions right now. Yea I have my hours where I am extremely sad and mad all at the same time. And it is completely OK.
When I don't desire to attend your child's birthday party, baby blessing, baseball games, etc. I am sorry. The reality of this is that all those dreams I built out of doing the same with my son, are shattered and forever gone.
When I am in a pissy mood and people don't allow me to be. Trust me, in about an hour I will be better, but in that moment of time just let me be pissy. I am trying to heal.
When people get most concerned that we may be angry with God. Look. Losing a child shakes your faith a little. Thank goodness we have a God who allows us to be angry, but can love us at the end of every day no matter what. He understands and has confirmed that we can get angry at him. We are seeking understanding and trying to heal. This is no way means we love our Lord any less than we did before our traumatic experience.
That instead of anticipating what the nursery theme will be with my next baby, I will be worrying more so about just getting a healthy baby here.
That I will never be able to experience a vaginal nor full-term birth. Call me old school, but I feel cheated. This is something a woman's body was made to do and mine unfortunately doesn't work that way. Saying, "hey how nice though. all your births will be scheduled now" doesn't make it better. In fact, that just makes it worse. Again, just shut up and listen.
When people make an analogy referring to my baby not being here. Just don't.
And now comes the part where today, in this moment I am choosing to let these things go. Why? Because I CHOOSE happiness. I love myself, the lord, and all my loved ones too much not to choose happiness. Please know that amidst all of these things that have angered me, it doesn't change my love for you or the fact that I know you are trying. In all truthfulness, I know you can't understand or quite comprehend what I am going through and that is ok. I myself have made some comments that weren't always the best when I was trying to give my love and support to others in situations that I had never been in. We are all imperfect. Yes. And what I have been through is so traumatic that I know for others who deeply care wish they had the right things to say, but just don't. Please know I don't hold you accountable for anything you do or say that might offend me. If you feel as if one of these was written about you, know that I have forgotten who the direct person was who may have done these things and these aren't thing to call you out on, but for me. To simply let it all go. So please don't be sorry or worry. Its okay and I love you and do not judge you.
The purpose of this post is for me to let these feelings of anger go. It really does help to write them down in order to let them go. Above all that has just been written, in behalf of myself, Tyler, and Kooper, thank you my sweet friends and family. For loving us, cheering us on, and supporting us. At the end of the day, we couldn't have gotten through without all of you. You will never know the amount of love we have for all of you. I am sorry we are not the easiest to deal with at times, but thanks for your patience and loving us through this hard time. How blessed we are to know each and every one of you and please know we would do anything in the world for the people we love most!
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