Have I Done Any Good in the World Today?

The last few weeks have been so tough, almost unbearable actually. I don't know how to even put into words the amount of intense grieving I have gone through and it came all at once out of nowhere! The joys of grief. For the past two weeks I have been feeling like I have been cheated. Why isn't my baby here? Why did I have to be diagnosed with an incompetent cervix? Why does my body have to suffer not being able to carry when this is what a women's body is made to do? Why didn't my 24 weaker make it? Why do I have to feel all this pain? The "whys" go on and on. I have been feeling so extremely sorry for myself. Kooper was due within the same time that three other's were due. My sister-in-law, best friend, and a co-worker all had healthy babies. Don't get me wrong. I wouldn't want it any other way and I truly love these women with all my heart and I love snuggling their sweet little babes. Already having a week of grief and feeling so sorry for myself, I received a text Monday morning from a certain someone (won't say who) that said she was expecting. That seem to hit me like a ton of bricks. I was conflicted. I was feeling a great amount of joy yet a great deal of resentment. I remember thinking, "Are you kidding me God? Is this a cruel joke? As if having a best friend, SIL, and co worker all having healthy pregnancies wasn't hard enough to witness as my baby was sick, now you're telling me this person is expecting (whom I am close to) and I just buried my baby 3 months ago?!"

I was angry. I had enough. I simply felt that the world owed me something. I felt really entitled. Grief is not an easy thing. Especially delayed grief. I have been really hard on myself the first couple of months following Kooper's death. And I think that is exactly where I went wrong.

So last night, I prayed. Really hard. Seeking answers to help cope with my pain. As I woke up this morning, I was driving to work and there was my sweet Kooper again. "Mom, have you done any good in the world today?" Oh shoot. There was my answer I needed. My sweet boy is constantly directing me and teaching me so much. With a smile on my face, I said, "Kooper, you stinker. How do you know all the answers to your momma's life?"

Not only was I happy that I received my answer to what I need to do now, I felt my sweet Kooper near and was reminded that he is always near. I would never wish this trial upon anyone, but when the Lord sends your very own child to be your angel and guidance throughout life, it is pretty darn special.

Any who, I hope you all take some time to listen to the words of this hymn Have I done any good in the world today?   and that you feel the spirit and are inspired to go out and do good in the world today, small or big.

Love you all. Xoxo.