Why Me?

I thought a lot lately about how hard I am on myself. Isn't it funny? I think we are all a lot harder on ourselves than we realize. I would say the really hard part of loosing our baby didn't start until about a month and a half ago. You see, everyone gets back into their schedules and you hear less from others. You seem to become bitter and insensitive to the things you hear. "Oh gosh I feel so fat right now" says one expecting mother. "My child isn't sleeping through the night and it is driving me crazy". "Oh you are going to Hawaii? You have it so hard. I would love to leave the kids and head there for a while". Yea um, I won't even go there. I assume everyone knows my responses of course that I state in my head. I don't feel the need to share my true responses on that either. Gosh, it sure is true what they say about grieving. There is no right way to do it. For the most part, I am totally ok hearing the complaints of a woman expecting because after all, I remember what that first trimester was like. I hated it too. I didn't enjoy pregnancy at all. I get it I promise. But then there is those times where I just don't have the strength to hear it and I become irritable pretty fast. I jump to my own judgements and then I go back to the more realistic idea and remind myself that it is okay for a woman to complain that it is hard, you're just longing and hurting for your baby. Throughout this process, I have had to tell myself a lot of the times that it is okay to feel and do what I am doing. Right now it is that awkward moment where people just don't have the words to say when they hear of your story (I don't blame them). Then there are those who try to counteract with what you say by adding something positive like "Oh, but now you have answers so it can help your future pregnancies". And that gets a grieving momma going, let me tell ya. Then you have days where being around children is good and some days it just isn't. Or like me, you've been called to Young Women's residency and while all the other women are coordinating their schedules around their duties of being a mom and tending to their children, here you are completely free because your baby isn't here. Then there are times where all you want to do is talk about your baby, because that is what keeps him alive, but you fear people are getting tired of hearing about his story or that you are starting to get annoying(trust me I know this isn't true, but this is ideally how you feel). It is actually therapeutic to talk about him on most occassions. Many times I feel lost as to what my purpose is right now without Koop in my arms. Ill be honest, there are days where I discredit the idea that I AM indeed a mother because what am I supposed to do with empty arms?

I simply knew that doing this by myself wasn't going to work. I recently purchased a book called "Why Me?" written by a woman whom herself has had to deal with the heartaches and trials that come with high-risk pregnancy. That is right people. I said it. High risk. That is unfortunately my reality now for the rest of my reproductive and child-bearing years. I have to work a little harder (ok maybe REALLY hard) in trying to get the rest of my babies here safely and to term. It sucks. I totally feel bad for myself. Although I am comforted in knowing many other women deal/dealt with the same trial, it is still a tough reality to face. You're mad, sad, and you scream to God that it isn't fair. Why Me? There is no accidents that this book was titled what it was. Every woman who has dealt with miscarriage, stillbirth, infant loss, preterm birth, etc. has asked this. This book has been nothing but a BLESSING! While I can't tell what the future holds with my future pregnancies, this book has validated my feelings and fears. It has made me feel all emotions from fear to joy to enormous amounts of hope for the future. From pre-eclampsia to Incompetent Cervix, she covers it all. She has included several medical journals as well which makes the book super informative. The personal stories shared by other mommies is phenomenal. So heart wrenching & warming at the same time.

Every story is different, however the author of this book has a very similar story of my own. Loosing her first baby due to the same things. She has provided so many answers that I needed for closure. I encourage all who have dealt with miscarriage, stillbirth, infant loss, preterm birth, infertility, etc. to read this book.

You see, what put me into labor was something called Incompetent Cervix and when my placenta was cultured, it came back positive for chorioamnitosis. There is a lot more to it than your cervix having the inability to hold a baby to full term. A lot more to it than just progesterone shots and stitching your cervix shut next pregnancy. A lot more to it than treating with antibiotics (not to mention ONLY if they catch it in time). I wish it were easy for me to just move on with a smile on my face, but its hard. Not only did I have my baby too soon, I also lost him too soon. I witnessed things that no mother (or father) should have to witness, but unfortunately they do. I wish I could be more hopeful and positive for the future. I have to be, I know. But first let me explain my reality of hearing I have IC.

- Your cervix is kind of broken. Sorry.
- We can take preventative measures to increase the chances of carrying longer, but there are no guarantees.
- You may not deal with IC next time around (hey there is hope!)
- Chorioamnitosis is a "which came first? The chicken or the egg?" scenario. Hey that is cool! So you're telling me we don't really have an answer to this? Awesome. (sarcasm here).
- You will never have a baby vaginally. It is out of the question. Don't even ask. - This got to me. I am old school. I would have loved to experience this. The worst- don't come back with "hey how nice! you will always be able to set a date of when the baby comes!" Just don't.
- You may experience another loss.
- You will never carry full term. We will always deliver the baby at 36 weeks.
- Again, no guarantees. You may have another premature baby resulting in NICU stay, possible delays in development on all levels, or death.
- You will have to work a little harder in actually carrying a baby to term, if you can.

February 14th was one of the most memorable days of my life. My son was born, but followed the shattering news about what my future looks like with child-bearing. The uncertainties. My life has been flipped upside and changed dramatically. Since I was little,  I dreamt like a lot of women about their childbearing years and what an experience pregnancy will be. Maybe hard, but beautiful to say the least. I never imagined that my reality of pregnancy would involve being concerned of carrying a baby to term (or to the "safe zones" which they consider starting at 16 weeks to 30 weeks), or while a lot of mommas out there are wondering what their nursery colors will be or what kind of stroller they will get. Nope not me. Without discrediting the fact that I will feel happiness and joy at times; MOST of my pregnancy will be filled with anxiety and fear by every minute with the endless thoughts of wondering if my baby will stay safe inside me.

I am sorry. This blog seems like a pity party right? Well it is and isn't. At the end of every day I ask, "Why me?" And the only thing I have to hang onto is the knowledge that this was God's plan for me. I will know one day why me as well with thousands of other mother mommies out there. For now, I still haven't given up hope. I don't know what the future holds, but I do have hope. It is HUGE for me. It is the only thing I have. Reading stories of another woman's strength through this trial is what gives me the courage to put on foot in front of the other every day and say, "It will happen for me". The love that I simply can't put into words that I have for Kooper gives me encouragement to try again in the future. He was worth everything I went through and I would do it again, but maybe not in a heartbeat quite yet. ;-)  It is true what they say. You never realize how much you can love one person until you have one of your own.

Mommas out there. If you need a book, please pick this one up. You won't regret it. Please please PLEASE take it easy and don't be too hard on yourself. Love and take care of yourself. There is help out there. Talk to someone. Have hope in the future and please know that myself and other momma's out there are on your side! It isn't fair we have or had to go through this, but one day we will know. We will be reunited with our children again. Family is forever after all.

For my friends and family, thanks for loving me and being so very patient during this time in my life. Thanks for crying with me when I'm sad and laughing with me when I am happy. You all are wonderful. Thanks and I love you.