Hi all! As I was lying in bed last night, I became frustrated with a particular someone (won't say who) about a comment they had made to me in reference to Kooper passing. I have found that while there are thousands out there who have experienced the same loss my husband and I have, our small network of family and friends who love us most have not. Recently, this has caused feelings of isolation and loneliness in our lives. I woke up inspired to blog about what we want our loved ones to know during this time and how you can best help us. I really hope you know that we both have good intentions and we hope to offend no one who comes across this.
Things to say or do
Things that made most difference: dropping food at our door, taking Harry out to play… just being ok with how we were.
~ Gavin Blue, President of Heartfelt Australia
What some call the “Art of Presence”, being there is all that is needed.
However, should you feel compelled to say something, here are the three simplest things to say:
- I am sorry for your loss.
- I am here for you.
- I don’t know what to say, I’m at a loss for words.
Whatever you do or say, remember these things:
- Acknowledge the parents
- Listen but do not try to fix
- Encourage and give them hope
- Practice the Art of Presence.
These are suggestions that help to acknowledge the grieving parents’ pain, journey, and responses. Use your own words or way of saying things.
Asking questions
Inquire how I’m doing, what I’m feeling. Don’t tell me “it must be hard” or “you must feel so awful.” Ask me, but don’t tell me. Ask again tomorrow and the day after tomorrow. Be gentle when asking, it needn’t be an interrogation.
Suggestions:
- How are you coping?
- What kind of help would be supportive for you? (Make a couple of suggestions)
- May I bring some food over tonight?
- Would you like me to just be there with you?
- What did the doctor say?
- Do you have anyone you can talk to?
I’m so sorry
This is the simplest and most appropriate sentence. It bridges any “I don’t know what to say” or “I’m lost for words” moment, any awkward silence that you might be tempted to fill with clichés. Don’t. Just say, “I’m sorry for your loss”.
Show you care
The little messages “I’m thinking of you” on the anniversary of my daughter’s or my mother’s death mean a lot.
- I hear you
- I’ve been thinking of you
- You are not alone – I am here for you
- I read your blog
- My heart goes out to you.
Continue to interact
I must have stunned many people into silence with my grief spell. It is okay to be contacting me again and again, even if I might not have the energy to hold long conversations. Social interactions are more tiring, yet I still crave to be with people. I am no longer the person I was pre “date with death” and as much as I sometimes want that person back, I have to deal with the New Me. Please try to do so, too.
Accept me
It’s hard enough to be sad and depressed. I am learning to accept being what I am in any moment. If you can accept that too, you won’t need to make me feel better, offer me advice, solutions, or try to tickle me with humour. Please accept me as I am.
Be with me
There doesn’t need to be much talking. Knowing that you are not afraid of being in my presence, no matter what, counts. Offer your presence even if by just holding my hand.
Respect my space and my beliefs
You might believe in God or that, “It was meant to be this way.” Whatever it is, keep it to yourself. You cannot know where I stand in relation to your beliefs. Leave me with mine. Respect where I am with regard to what I believe or even where I might have lost any faith and trust.
Acknowledge the dead person
I do understand that you might fear my reaction if you speak about my baby. Do trust that by acknowledging or talking about him you honor his memory. Say their names.
Respect that I won’t get over it
I didn’t really understand the depth of grief before my personal experience. You do not need to understand it to accept and respect that holding my child in my arms as she passed isn’t something that I will get over. I am learning to live with it, whatever that means. Anything can and will trigger the grief and I don’t always know when or why…
Tact and respect
By all means tell me about what is going on your life, no matter how trivial or devastating it might be. I can handle it if you handle my response with tact and respect. What I do not need at this moment are trivializations of women who got pregnant and didn’t even want to have another child or mothers who abort their baby because of its gender.
Physical contact – hugs
There are times when I am very sensitive and do not want to be touched. Please consider asking before you want to give me a hug.
The Art of Presence
Be there, not merely in the moment of crisis. Walk alongside me in the months and years to come. Allow me my process of healing. Sit with me in the moments of painful emotions and the darkness of depression. It is an illusion that in times of crisis people need space. Respect someone’s wish, if they tell you so. Otherwise, be present.
¸.•´*¨`*•✿ ✿ ✿•*´¨*`•.¸
The things not to say or do
Time
It does not matter whether you allow the grieving parent more or less time than they need or make suggestions on what should be difficult or not – comments like those mentioned below are unhelpful as they lead to self-judgment or guilt about the situation experienced.
- Time heals all wounds.
- It will get better with time.
- The first year is the hardest.
- Take your time.
Destiny
Any suggestion on where or how the baby is now or what his destiny should or shouldn’t be are wild guesses or assumptions. For any mother or father there is no better place for their child than in their arms now and for eternity.
- He is in a better place.
- He was not meant to suffer any longer.
- It was for the best.
- Better it happened now than in x amount of time (days, weeks, months, years).
Parent’s feelings
Refrain from assuming you know how the grieving parent feels. You can’t know that. These comments cut like a knife. There is nothing that compares to parental grief.
- I know how you feel.
- It must be hard.
- You must feel terrible!
Beliefs and spirituality
Do not share your beliefs even if you think you follow the same religion or spiritual practices. The grieving parents might not be in a place to feel the same way about their religion or spirituality following the loss. Keep your religious beliefs, spiritual ideas, or ideologies to yourself.
- God needed a special angel.
- It was God’s plan.
- It was meant to be this way.
- It was his life’s plan.
- She did what she came here to do and it was her time to go.
How to grieve
Suggestions on how to grieve and/or heal are ill-considered. They are based on the assumption that you know better on how to deal with the grief than the parents. Even if you have lost a child yourself, remember that every parental grief is based on their individual story, the meanings, and beliefs they have.
- You just need to get back to your old self.
- Chin up!
- Distract yourself.
- You need to… (followed by any suggestion).
Comparisons
Each trauma needs to be respected in its uniqueness. Every parent’s loss needs to be heard as its own story and with full attention. There is nothing that compares to the loss of a child.
- I know how you feel, I lost my grandmother (or dad or pet).
- I can imagine how hard it must be.
Clichés
Say nothing or “I don’t know what to say” instead of any platitude.
- Life goes on.
- It will be all right.
- There is a reason for everything.
- It’s all for the best.
You should…
References to what they should be happy about, think about, or do instead are uncalled for. Whether it is fact or not is unimportant. The fact is the parents are mourning the loss of their child.
- You have two other children.
- At least you had your child for x number of years.
- You should think about your husband.
Thoughtless phrases
Be mindful of what may slip out of your mouth without thinking. You might be shaking your head in disbelief at these statements below. Trust me, we have all heard them. Better to say nothing at all.
- How are things at home?
- Was she in pain?
- Have another baby!
- You can have other children!
- You’re kidding!
- That’s not good!
Interpretations
Over-interpreting, trying to make sense of the inexplicable or finding reasons why the baby or child has died are not helpful. Every parent experiences the why question looping in their mind. Don’t add your thoughts; leave them to work on that.
- Maybe it was because… (filling in your reasons why).
Let me fix you
Please do not try to fix, or make suggestions on what to do. The grieving parent only knows what it means to lose a child and what they want or do not want to do or be at this specific time in their grieving journey.
- You need to keep yourself busy.
- Distract yourself!
- You need some time to yourself.
- You need to look after her (said to the husband).
Silver lining
Leave any silver linings out of conversations with parents. If the grieving parent speaks them, it is their prerogative. It is not yours.
- It’s all for the better.
- At least . . . did not suffer.
- You have 3 other beautiful children.
- You’re lucky it was early on (in case of a miscarriage).
- You are so strong.
Lastly, when we speak of our sweet Kooper, we are simply trying to keep his memories alive. Please join in and do not feel awkward and quickly change the subject. That hurts more than you know. Let us talk of him and please do not be afraid to ask questions. We are comfortable and open to it.
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